Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
