how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Randomize
