I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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