Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
