my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Someone signed my nipple.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
