apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
