Do you still have your period?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
