Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
