i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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