dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
