I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
