just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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