god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
