i may or may not be watching the land before time
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
