"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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