Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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