Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Come on in and take your pants off
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