She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
