Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
