You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
