I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
