R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
