proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
