I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
