I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
