He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
