were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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