I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize