Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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