nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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