Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
