first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
