I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Ladies don't puke and tell
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
