all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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