so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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