Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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