Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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