How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
