I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
