So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
