also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
