I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
