im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
