We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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