i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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