How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
