Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
only if we run a train.
done.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
