Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
