I just threw up on my dentist
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
