Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
