and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
