I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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