I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Is it because I queefed?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
