I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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