are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
