We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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