shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
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