Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I have aggressive nipples.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize